Hey, F&K those guys!
by Navek
Summary: A series of short one-shots following some new ressidents of South Park. Takes place in Season 19.


**Author's Note: Just something I wrote to get rid of my writer's block.**

South Park Whole Foods...

My name is Zeke. I'm in my mid-twenties, a bit overweight, and I've been a South Park resident for nearly a month. And let me tell you, it's just as crazy as the news says it is. Lately, they've been trying to improve their image. You know, more 'PC'.

And this remodeling plan has actually worked, bringing in a new influx of people, myself included. I've opened my own comic book shop and even found a low-rent home next to some neighbors...that I haven't really had the time to talk to. I think they're called the Stauches or something like that.

Where am I going with this? Well, one of the ways South Park has done to improve their image was getting a Whole Foods to open. I have no problem with Whole Foods. It's a nice store and I do need to eat healthier (especially after the whole 'glutton makes your dick fly off' controversy).

But there was one thing I abslofreakingutly hate about the store. And that was this asshole cashier. No, he didn't curse at customers or assault them. He was currently checking out the local PC head Randy Marsh.

"Would you like give a dollar to hunger kids today?" He asked with that same shit-eating smirk on his face.

"Look, I don't really need this today." Mr. Marsh replied, clearly feeling uncomfortable.

"So, you don't want to give a dollar to starving children?" The cashier asked.

"N-No I don't." Randy quietly answered.

"That's okay then." The cashier turned over the touch-screen. "Just press the button that says 'No I don't want to give money to hungry kids."

'Oh my f&^king god.' I thought to myself as I rubbed my brow in frustration. This asshole does this to everyone. Now it would be one thing if this guys just asked about the donations (pretty sure he has to for his job), but does he stop there? Nope, he does this whole routine where he guilt trips the customers until they give a dollar. I've actually seen a few different methods he uses. Some bullshit voice recognition thing where you have to say 'I'm not giving money to hungry kids' over the PA, a prop that has you forcing a sandwich from this cutout of a starving girl to get your change, and a whole bunch of other shit.

Now before you all say "Aren't you being a bit harsh against someone trying to raise money for hungry kids?', I wouldn't be so ticked if this guy wasn't so underhanded and smug about his methods.

Anyway, after a defeated looking Randy checked out, it was my turn. The guy started to scan my items.

"Let's see. We got a sub on wheat, large diet coke, a bag of chips. Oh, can't have chips without some nacho cheese dip." He finished scanning and rung up my bill. "Okay, your total is $23.56. Would you like to give a dollar to hungry kids?"

"No I don't." I replied with a stoic expression as I gave him a twenty and a five.

"Are you sure? Only one dollar to feed a starving child." And there was the start.

"Yes, I'm sure." People were starting to look at our direction. Seriously, how hasn't this guy been fired yet?

"Okay then." He pressed a few buttons and handed me a dollar while the coin change fell behind that stupid starving girl prop. "That's zero dollars to hungry kids but $23.56 for a sub, soda, chips and nacho cheese. Just take the sandwich out of the starving girl's mouth to collect your change."

And it was at that moment I decided I've had enough of this guys shit. "Say, does Whole Foods cover dental?"

"Um, no."

"Too bad." And I then I decked him right in the nose with my right fist, making him fall to the ground as he held his nose in pain. I leaned over and decided to give my final thoughts on the matter.

"Listen pal, when someone gives to charity, it should be out of the goodness of their heart. Not because some asshole clerk at Whole Foods guilt-tripped them." And after breaking the arm off the prop, I collected my change and left, the sound of a few people clapping and the dick clerk groaning in pain behind me.

All in all, it was a good day.

 **Please read & review if you want more one-shots involving Zeke and other OC residents of South Park. **


End file.
